


Constellation

by CaptainElizabeth



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:22:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26201083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainElizabeth/pseuds/CaptainElizabeth
Summary: After her disastrous birthday party, Edward Cullen breaks Bella Swan's heart, but she is not so easily destroyed.  A retelling of Stephanie Meyer's full moon circling around a protagonist who wants to truly find herself.
Relationships: Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Jacob Black/Bella Swan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit of a pet project, and I have no idea what's gonna happen, but I'm stoked! UPDATE: I'm going to be working on this as my NaNoWriMo project!!

“Well, that was bad.”

It seemed like a very, very stupid understatement to say the least. The party had been an absolute nightmare. Like, literally. As in--vampires jumping out at me and trying to kill me nightmare. All because of a papercut--which still stung, by the way, because papercuts the are the actual worst.

“It wasn’t great,” he admitted.

“I mean, at least I got some pretty cool presents? I really don’t understand why my dad got me a skateboard, but that’s cool, I guess. I could channel some cool Avril Lavigne.”

“We need to talk.”

“About Avril Lavigne? If you want to.”

He looked seriously.

“... or we could talk about her later. Boy. Sorry. You probably don’t know that song. You’re probably better off because you don’t! Um, why are you looking at me like that?”

I had kind of seen this coming, but I didn’t want to believe it would. Or maybe I had just hoped it wouldn’t? Or maybe I was just delusional and had eaten too much cake.

A moment hung between us in the air. I wanted to pull the silence out from between us and smash it on the ground.

“You’re going to end it.”

I finally said it because I couldn’t wait any more. And for a long moment, eternal eyes looked into mine. Eyes that had seen more than I could even begin to fathom. Slowly, he nodded. I felt my hands clench into fists at my sides, but I wouldn’t cry. No. He had made plenty of girls cry before in his hundred years of living. I would not be another broken heart, cast by the side of the road.

“Then say it out loud,” I heard myself say.

“What would be the good in that?” he said quietly.

“I asked you to, that’s the good in it!” I snapped back.

“I’m ending it,” he obliged, patient as ever.

I felt the pain somewhere in a distant corner of my heart. So I threw my entire body into the flames of rage so I wouldn’t have to feel it.

“Wow, okay,” I scoffed. “Alright, Edward, good job.”

“Bella--”

“No. You don’t get to talk right now.”

“This is best--”

“Yeah, sure, it’s best--best for you. Would have been best if we had never even met and started this whole stupid thing, huh?”

He blinked slowly. Once. Rage flared inside of me--a fire devouring oxygen.

“I’m the stupid one, aren’t I?” I said as coldly as I could. “That I ever thought this was something real.”

“I don’t love you,” Edward said quietly.

“Oh, yeah??? Well--good for you!” I snarled. “You know what, Edward, I don’t know if this is just a vampire thing--where you lead people on and then just dump them after putting them through literal hell, but humans don’t do that. At least good ones don’t.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Then GO!” I yelled and everything hurt but I would not break, no, no I would not. I would not break. That was the one thing he could not have.

“Take care of yourself,” he murmured.

“I have before,” I replied, tilting my chin up. “And I will again. And--you know what? You--thank you. I guess, I’ll just say that--thank you. Because you actually made me believe that I was special. So just go--and I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted. Whatever that was.”

He looked at me. It felt like an eternity. Time moved differently for Edward.

And then he turned, and he was gone.

I gripped my fists so tightly, when I released them, there were little half moon indents in my palms.

And it hurt. And it hurt. And it hurt. It hurt. And I felt tears burn, but I would not let them fall, not today. Hopefully not ever.

And that night, no one watched me sleep, and my dreams were empty, but at least they were mine.


	2. Cloudy Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella receives a letter from Edward.

“Bella?”

I had been awake for a solid forty-five minutes, and I was staring at the ceiling like it had wronged me. I kept replaying the conversation I’d had with Edward. Maybe our last conversation. Maybe that made me the biggest cliche that had ever existed, but then again, maybe cliches were cliches for a reason.

“You awake? Hey, honey?”

I was silent. I knew I was being annoying and I knew my dad meant well, but I just kept on being silent and annoying because it was my right as a teenager.

“You were out late last night. I was worried. And… you tracked a bunch of mud into the house. Not that that’s a problem. I’ll just--I mean, I got the swiffer for a reason.”

“I’ll clean it,” I said in a loud, dead voice.

“Nah, don’t worry about it, I’ll--honey, can we talk?”

“About what? The swiffer? It seems great, dad. Give it a good review on Amazon.”

“Bella.”

Ugh. Welp. No more point in delaying the inevitable daddy-daughter heart to heart.

“If you don’t want to talk, that’s okay,” Charlie persisted. By the way, I don’t know why I always thought of my dad as “Charlie” as opposed to “dad.” Maybe it was because I had never really thought of him as just a bland father figure. He was so many shades of so much more. He was Charlie. Or maybe I was just trying to be a super modern hip teenager who thought of her parents by their first names. Who can really say.

“I really don’t want to talk, but you do, so we might as well,” I answered flatly.

“Hey, let’s be nice, okay?” Charlie replied, and I could hear the furrow in his brow.

Sorry, Dad, I was dying to respond. I just got dumped by my century old boyfriend in the forest so I’m feeling pretty emotionally raw right now.

What a dumb, weird life I’d made for myself out here in Forks. Next time, I’ll move to Spoons where everything is more well-rounded. Ha ha ha. LOL. Ugh, kill me.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“Look, we can talk later, okay--but I just wanted you to know that you have a letter. And--it sort of looks like a Hogwarts letter, so I’m assuming it’s from Edward.”

I immediately sat up super straight like someone had shoved a pole the back of my shirt.

“What??” I answered the door, immediately ripping the letter out of his hands and turning it over in mine. Beautiful cursive writing. My name--Isabella Swan.

Throw away the letter, said the smart part of my brain that I loved to ignore. Read it and torture yourself, whispered the stupid part of my brain that I loved to indulge.

“Did… something happen? Between you two?” Charlie gently pried as I turned away, ready to open the envelope and probably ruin my life.

“Yeah, we broke up,” I said flatly, ignoring the way that it made my heart feel like it was being stabbed a bajillion times. “It was great. I highly recommend it. And he did it in a forest, so it was all very atmospheric and dramatic.”

“Oh,” Charlie answered, confused (as was his usual state with me). “Are you okay?”

“Well, I go between feeling like I’m going to throw up and wanting to scream, so if you see me scream-vomiting, I might need some help,” I deadpanned.

“Bella,” Charlie said quietly. “Are you okay?” he repeated, because he knew what I was doing. Which was annoying.

I turned the letter over in my hands a few more times. I felt tears sting my eyes, which only made me more angry, which I knew was only because I was hurt. Which, which, which. I was an endless stream of causes and effects.

“No,” I finally admitted. “I’m actually terrible. And I… don’t know I’m gonna be okay. Any time soon.”

Charlie paused for a very, very long time. I could see the (slightly rusty) wheels turning behind his eyes.

“... are you pregnant?”

“DAD!!!”

“What?????”

“NO, oh my word, I’m just like--DUMPED. Not pregnant! Sheesh!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you just seem--”

“What? Fat????”

“No, just--I’m sorry, honey, I just--I knew you were… close with Edward. And with him leaving, I just wasn’t sure… don’t look at me like that! I’m sorry!”

“Dad, I love you, but sometimes, you suck. Now go away, I have to ruin my life,” I said calmly, trying to usher him out of the room--but he would not be ushered. Again, annoying. Life was so annoying lately. Also devastating and sucky, but forget about that.

“Bella,” my dad said gently. “Are you sure you should read that?”

I looked down at that letter.

“No, I know I shouldn’t,” I answered quietly. “But… I have to.”

Charlie hesitated. “Why… did it end?”

I felt the helplessness open up inside of me. I’d never kept secrets from Charlie before--not really. Again, he didn’t really feel like a dad. He didn’t feel like a friend either, he just felt like someone I loved. A lot. And I was walking this road alone, this weird road that as far as I knew, nobody had ever walked before. And I didn’t want to do it alone.

“I think… I wasn’t what he was expecting. Or something.”

Because I ruined it, my brain helpfully supplied. And the worst part of all of this was that I knew that it would end. I could see the inevitability of it flashing before my eyes every single day, but I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to, so I didn’t--and now here I was.

Because I was literally eighteen and he was an ageless godlike being. So what in the world did I have to offer him? I was just--

“Bella.”

Charlie’s voice grounded me sharply. I felt like my feet landed back on the ground so solidly, it almost surprised me.

“No,” he continued quietly.

“No--?”

“Whatever happened, it wasn’t because of any… inadequacy in you. You’re… an amazing girl. You know that. Just--I know that’ll be hard to see now, but don’t forget that, okay? That kinda thing can really torment you.”

And for a moment, I saw it in his eyes. Charlie Swan, so ridiculously in love with Renee. I saw him sitting on the porch, his head in his hands, believing with every fiber of his being that he wasn’t enough.

So even though I didn’t believe him, I took his hand and I said softly, “Yeah. Thanks, Dad.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” he murmured quietly. “And whatever is in there--” he pointed at the letter in my hands, “--remember, it’s him, not you.”

He gave me a quick, tight hug, and then he left.

I sat down on my bed and opened the envelope. I didn’t realize that my hands were shaking until I held up the letter. I gorged myself on the letter because I knew it would hurt like hell and I just wanted to get started already.

Dear Bella,

I did not have the opportunity to express myself with the depth I was hoping to last evening. I hope you can accept my apology. I understand that humans prefer to have face to face discourses when accepting bad news.

(Humans. You idiot. You were a human, and it wasn’t as long ago as you think it was. Don’t belittle me with that term.)

I believe you remember that when we were in Phoenix, I promised I would stay with you--however, there was a caveat to that. Only as long as it was what was best for you.

(Coward. You don’t have any idea what’s good for me. If you did, maybe you would have just stayed away.)

I assure you, though I am concerned about the state of your soul, this has nothing to do with that. It is simply time for my family and myself to move on. I do not want you to come with me.

(I won’t let him hurt me like this. He can’t hurt me like this. He can’t. He’s not even here.)

I don’t want you.

(I hate you. I will never forgive you for this.)

I will always love you in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that I’m ready for a change. I am tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I am not human, and I no longer wish to pretend to be.

(I hate you so much. I hate you. I hope you die.)

I’ve let this go on much too long, and I am sorry for that.

(And I am sorry that apparently you thought that I was something that you could use and throw to the side. I hate you. I wish you were here, I would--I don’t know. Find a way to make you hurt. I hate you, I hate you more than I can even begin to convey in words, I hope the ground opens up beneath your feet and you fall into it and you die.)

I would like to ask one favor, if it’s not too much.

(And what I hate most of all about you is that even though I hate you so much, I’d do anything for you. Who gave you permission to hurt me like this?)

Don’t do anything reckless or stupid. I believe you know what I mean.

(You speak to me like I’m a child. Do you even know me? Have you ever known me? I thought you knew me. I thought you loved me.)

I will make a promise in return. I promise this will be the last time you see me. I will never put you through anything like this again. You can move through your life as if I never existed. It will be like I was never even there.

(That’s not what I want. No. It’s not what I want. Please. Please don’t do this, why are you doing this--what are you doing? Stop. Please stop.)

Don’t worry. You’re human--your memory is like a sieve. Time heals all wounds.

(You were human too, but now, you’re not. It’s very clear you have no heart.)

As for my memory, I won’t forget. However, my kind are very easily distracted. Don’t worry about me.

(That was unnecessary, Edward. That was so incredibly unnecessary. Salt in wounds. I’ll never forgive you for this.)

We’ve all left already. I convinced them to not say goodbye. A clean break will be best for me.

(You don’t care what’s best for me. Maybe you never have.)

Goodbye, Bella. Take care of yourself.

(I’m all I have any more. I don’t really have a choice, do I)

Best,  
Edward

Best.

And even now, I cannot begin to describe how I felt when I set that letter down. It was like every ounce of blood had drained out of me. This was a letter intending to hurt, I could see that, I could read the malice between the lines, but it was so, so deeply unnecessary.

“If you would have told me to go, I would have gone,” I heard myself whisper, bashing tears off of my cheeks with my palms. “You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to hurt me like that.”

And I had thought I had loved him--him, who he was at the core of himself, but this letter, the cruelty, the intent, the hideousness of it.

Now I knew that I had never known him at all.

I crumpled up the letter and threw it away.

I cried longer than I will ever admit.

And when I was finished crying, I got the letter, smoothed it out and saved it. Because as I’ve said before, I am very, very masochistic lamb.


	3. Quarter Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bella is comforted by her friends and meets a suddenly grown up Jacob Black.

“I’ll kill him.”

“How did I know you’d say that?” I didn’t bother to point out to Jessica that, well, she couldn’t. Since he was literally undead at all. Somehow I doubted that would even phase her at this point. She tended to be really stubborn--and to be honest, if girl said she was gonna kill him, I’d put odds on her figuring out a way.

“Seriously? He just--dumped you? Just like that? And that letter sounds messed up!” Angela answered like the awesome friend she was. In times like this, nobody wants to hear anything but vows of vengeance on your behalf--and Angela and Jessica were really doing me a solid here.

“Oh, it is messed up,” I said, glaring at the letter that I still had not thrown away. The same letter that I still read every single day. Shut up. It helped me. Just kidding, it made everything a thousand times worse, but denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.

“Seriously, I’ll kill him--that is--I mean, seriously???” Jessica sputtered. “Mike, if you ever do anything like that, I’m going to murder you. You’ve been warned.”

“Why do I feel like you’re going to murder me anyways?? This is the wrong place to be a guy,” Mike complained. “It’s not my fault that Bella’s ex is trash.”

“He’s not trash,” I sighed. “Look, he’s just--I don’t know. Confused. Or something.”

“Bella, do not defend him,” Jessica snapped. Now I was, apparently, the target for her rage. “You’re doing that terrible thing where women excuse terrible behavior in men. Do NOT go down that path or I swear, I will clobber you.”

“Oh boy, here we go,” Eric muttered.

“IF YOU HANG UP, ERIC, YOU’RE GONNA BE THE ONE WHO DIES!” Jessica bellowed into her phone.

“This is what FaceTime was invented for,” Eric lammented. “Being completely lambasted as a gender. Hashtag not all men.”

“Eric, do you have a death wish????” Mike snapped.

“Okay, okay, back to me, please?” I interjected. “What am I supposed to like… do? I sort of want to like… write him back.”

“Do you know his address?” Angela asked, annoyingly practical as always.

“No, but like… maybe the post office can just figure it out or something! I don’t know!” I groaned. “I just--I feel like I can’t just let this go. I mean--this letter is like an absolute blatant attack on me. I want to respond.”

“Well, you could do that thing where you write a letter but never send it,” Angela suggested. “Cuz--I don’t see how you can communicate with him. You said he moved away, right? I mean, the Cullens have been gone for awhile. Even the hot one.” She sighed sadly.

“What do you mean the hot one??? They’re all hot!” Eric argued.

“Well, yeah, but some are hotter than others! I liked Jasper. He was weird. Like a porcupine.”

“Ugh, you would like Jasper,” Eric snorted.

“What the heck is that supposed to mean?” Angela spat.

“You always like weird people! Why can’t you like someone normal? Someone like… oh, I don’t know, there’s this gorgeous guy who goes to your school. Man, what’s his name? Shmeric Shmorkie, I think? He’s so hot. You should go out with Shmeric Schmorkie.”

“Shmeric Schmorkie better shut up before I punch him in his shmouth. Stop trying to get Angela to bang you and focus on Bella! She’s distressed!” Jessica bulldozed.

“Look, I appreciate it, guys, really, I just… I don’t know what to do,” I finally admitted. And there it was.

I was really determined not to be stereotypical. I had avoided ice cream and rom coms and crying at all costs, but instead, I’d just sat around and felt sort of… numb. Much to my own great annoyance. I wasn’t the numb type, but I didn’t really feel like feeling what my feelings were telling me to feel. So yeah. I knew what I needed to do--which was process my emotional trauma, but I didn’t want to, so here we were!

“Just… give yourself some time?” Mike suggested gently. “I know this has been really hard on you, Bella, but… it’ll get better eventually. Probably not any time soon, but… it will. I promise.”

Mike was annoyingly sincere. And annoyingly right.

“Yeah. Time. The one thing that I can’t like… get. Without waiting,” I grumbled.

“Just go out and make out with someone else,” Eric chimed in. “Shmeric Shmorkie’s been looking pretty good these days.”

“You were literally just trying to get me to go out with you!” Angela gasped.

“Uh, no, I was trying to get you to go out with Shmeric Shmorkie. Duh, Ang.”

“Bella, is any of this helping?” Jessica sighed.

“Yeah. It really is,” I smiled.

“Look, just come out with us tonight, okay?” Jessica piped in. “Angela and I are going to see a new movie that looks like trash. It’ll be fun. We can talk loudly in the theater and get yelled at.”

“Yeah, that’ll be a lot of fun,” Angela said flatly. “I can’t wait to get kicked out again.”

“I swear we got kicked out because of your excessive shushing,” Jessica replied.

“Oh, yeah, yeah, it was DEFINITELY me, not the person talking to the people in the movie like they were actually there, you weirdo.”

“Hey, Bella--I just thought of something, why don’t you just like… call him,” Mike said suddenly. “Like--just--you know. Dial his number? Or text him or something?”

“Oh, yeah, I could do that,” I said, not knowing how to tell them that Edward was a freak of nature grandpa who didn’t have a phone. I wasn’t even sure that he knew how to work one. I’d seen him staring at a computer suspiciously enough times to think that maybe he didn’t really like technology very much. Which made sense, since he was older than my grandpa.

Okay, wow. That was weird. I had never thought if it that way before. Big ew.

“Give it some time though,” Jessica piped in. “Don’t call him right away. Don’t let him have that kind of power.”

“Oh yeah, no, definitely not,” I said super confidently, proving that I had amazing acting skills since he literally had 100% control over me. Hollywood, here I come.

“Bella!” Charlie’s voice called up the stairs.

“Guys, my dad’s calling me, I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

“Bye, Bells!” Eric said cheerfully. “And don’t forget, Shmeric Shmorkie. He kisses like a kiss demon.”

“WHAT ARE YOU EVEN SAYING?” Angela bellowed before I disconnected the call, actually smiling for what felt like the first time in a hundred years. Seriously, it was a majorly dusty smile. I came down the stairs and Charlie stared at me.

“What?” I asked, trying to rearrange my face.

“Are all teenage girls like this or just you?” Charlie blurted.

“Okay. So you’re sexist AND ageist. Good to know,” I huffed.

“Oh stop it,” Charlie grumbled. “Look--you got somebody at the door. The Black kid.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhh racist now too?”

“No! Stop! It’s--the--that’s his last name, not his--ugh!! I give up!” Charlie stomped away. Well, Edward could dump me, but I’d always have my annoying sense of humor to keep me company! I headed towards the door and swung it open and then--

Holy. Crap.

Uh. Wow. Okay.

So apparently Jacob Black had overnight inherited Chris Hemworth’s body or something?

This was. Very disturbing. And also. Confusing. Because I was pretty sure that Jacob was like twelve, but now he was like hot. And my brain was not firing correctly because I’m only human, okay. Shut up.

“Uh, hey, Bella.” It was seriously the weirdest thing ever because he still had his little kid ticks--he was rubbing the back of his neck and looking like he’d rather be running around in circles making pew pew noises instead of talking to me.

“What happened to you?” I blurted before I could stop myself.

“My dad said I needed to come check on you to--wait, what?” Jacob said, apparently surprised by my interrupting of the little speech he’d clearly rehearsed.

“You’re like… not tiny,” I said, squinting. “Aren’t you like--twelve?”

“What????? I’m not twelve, I’m sixteen!” Jacob sputtered, his tanned cheeks turning ruddy. “What do you--well, I mean. I grew. I haven’t seen you in like--a month. Puberty is a thing, thanks for pointing it out, Bella.”

He scowled at me, showing his teeth. Which were very white and straight. BELLA, YOU FRICKIN’ CREEPER, STOP STARING AT HIS TEETH.

Ugh. I’m the worst.

“Well--okay, sorry, but most people don’t pack on like a hundred pounds of muscle immediately when they embrace their growing bodies or whatever,” I said as if it was his fault that his body had decided to turn him into a man in the course of a month.

“Bella, what the heck?” Jacob huffed. “I show up here trying to be nice and you’re acting all--stop being a jerk! It’s not my fault I--it’s like a family thing, okay???” Jacob snapped, his eyes--whoa. What was--no. That was nothing. It was just--

“What just happened to your eyes?” I asked, stepping towards him and staring up at his face, suddenly kind of really in his personal space. Because I have no boundaries. Because I should be locked up somewhere for my lack of social skills so I would never bother anyone again.

“What do you--Bella!” Jacob whined, turning ruddier for some reason and stepping back.

“No, just--they went like--yellow. Is that like--are you jaundiced? What happened to you? Why are you all weird and different now?” I demanded.

“I’m not weird and different!” Jacob practically shouted. “LOOK, my dad said I should come and check up on you because you turned into a weird hermit and I thought we were friends, but apparently you just want to like--interrogate me about puberty! I’m not--jeez, Bella, it’s not like--just knock it off, okay?”

I immediately felt bad. This was the Jacob I knew. Sensitive, termpermental, easily embarrassed--and I was the jerk who was body shaming him.

“Sorry, I just--I’m really sorry, Jacob,” I said sincerely, taking a step back into my house. “I just--sorry. I missed you, but it’s weird cuz you’re like… not you any more.”

“I am,” Jacob persisted, flushing even more. “I--it’s still me, Bella. I’m still me. And I’m sorry I--didn’t come sooner. Just--stuff has been… going on. So--and I know stuff has been going on for you too. I heard about… I’m sorry.”

I snorted. “Are you?”

“W--huh??? Yeah, of course! I don’t want you to be like--sad. Or whatever.”

“Jacob. Dude. Come on. You didn’t like Edward.”

“Well--you did, and that’s what’s important,” Jacob retorted. I gave him a flat look. “What???”

“Don’t do that, be all like--wow, I’m so sorry that the guy I hated is gone. You always thought he was bad for me, you were just too nice to say it,” I retorted.

“Well… okay. Yeah. I mean, I think he’s weird and creepy, but--look. I’m still sorry. That you’re--you know. Sad.”

Jacob was so unbelievably sincere. He’d always been. And before it had been cute in a little brother kind of way. But now it was different. I felt weird. Sweaty. Ew.

“So--I just wanted to check on you,” Jacob said abruptly. “And see if you wanted to hang out.”

“What--like, now?”

“Oh, uh--if you want to. I just… well, I don’t have the truck, I can go home and get it.” Jacob gestured back at--

“WHOA HOLY CRAP DUDE!” I smashed Jacob out of the way with my obnoxious elbow and went bolting past him. “Is that a Harley?”

“It’s a--yeah. Wait, how did you--be careful!!”

I had already gotten on the motorcyle. Oops.

“Oh man, Jacob, me and my mom used to ride motorcycles all the time down in Florida--this is so gorgeous, and retro, did you like--restore it?”

Jacob had jogged over to me, and he looked pleased--but cautious.

“Yeah, me and my dad--just--be--careful with--ahhhhhh, Bella!” Jacob whined as I played with the bike’s controls. LOOK. Remember, no boundaries?

“Oh, come on, you can trust me, I’m awesome! Please let me ride it? Please? I mean, I don’t want to just ride--can I please drive it?”

“Nnnnnnnnnnn Bellaaaaaaa,” Jacob said anxiously. “I just got it a week ago.”

“I’M A GOOD DRIVER!! Better than with my truck. Pleeeeeeease? Look, I’ll drive it around and do granny circles to prove my worth, please? Pleeeeeeease? It’ll make me less depressed. It will make me like 20% less depressed, and that’s a pretty good percentage.”

I was smiling. It felt weird, but so good. And soon, Jacob was smiling too. He had a dimple in his right cheek. How had I never seen that before?

“Okay. Granny circles first though,” Jacob finally decided. I threw my arms around his (huge) shoulders.

“You won’t regret this!” I told him giddily.

And for once, I didn’t regret anything either. I didn’t know I could still feel happy.

And I didn’t think about Edward for nearly an hour. How strange, but how beautiful.


	4. Exploding Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacob Black and Bella talk about Edward.

“Please, please, please, please, please tell me that you’re free.”

Jacob sighed, long suffering and annoyed on the other end of the phone--but I could practically hear the smile in his sigh. He couldn’t resist me. Nobody can. I’m just that magical and lit and amazing.

“Bella, we literally hung out for like three hours yesterday,” Jacob complained.

“And you loved every single second of it. All eight thousand of them, or however many seconds are in three hours.”

“Ten thousand eight hundred,” Jacob replied without a beat.

“Ew! Nerd! Now you have to hang out with me so that my coolness can rub off on you.”

“Okay, okay, alright. And stop calling me, by the way, just text like a normal person. I always think that you died or something whenever you call me. Or that like… I don’t know.”

“Or that like--what? I’m acting like a normal person who enjoys hearing the deep beautiful velvety baritone of your voice?”

“Ew, Bella! Stop!”

I had discovered a few weeks ago that it was super easy to make Jacob blush by saying ridiculously over the top flirty things. It was kind of my new hobby. Also, I’m not gonna lie, it felt nice to have someone respond to me that way. Even if Jacob was like thirteen years old, his massive height and giant superhero shoulders aside. He really did have the best shoulders. Broad and gorgeous and strong.

And then I realized that I was a massive perv. Which I had already known, but it was reinforced, so that’s good.

(By the way, Jacob was not actually thirteen. I feel the need to say that just so my perceived perviness meter can maybe go down a little bit).

“No, but seriously--what were you gonna say?”

A pause. “You’re not gonna like it.”

“Yeah, but I don’t like anything, so that’s nothing new. Say it or I’ll keep complimenting your gorgeous, husky, Marvin Gaye type voice.”

“Marvin who???”

“Oh boy, Jacob. You’re Gen Z trash, do you know that?”

“Oh, shut up, it’s just--I don’t know. Sometimes I worry that you’re calling because… he’s back.”

Oh. Yeah. He was right. I didn’t like that.

“Yeah, well, that’s not gonna happen, so I wouldn’t worry about that,” I said as breezily as I could muster (breezy? More like category four hurricane winds, but I tried). “He’s definitely, 100% gone. Peace out, Edward, see you never.”

“I still… sorry. You probably don’t want to talk about it.”

I found that I actually did. Everyone had been tiptoeing around it for so long, trying to spare my feelings--but I had realized that maybe they didn’t actually care how I felt. They just didn’t want to listen to what I said--or to take on any of my emotional burden. And honestly, that was fine, but I was 100% sure that nobody would understand. Except for maybe Dracula’s girlfriend, and she was dead. Probably. Then I started wondering if Dracula was real and I decided I’d ask Edward if I ever saw him again. That’d be a good way to start a conversation--hey, Edward, I know that you totally broke my heart and stuff and I don’t really want to talk about that, I just want to know--is Dracula real or not, and if he is, does he wear a massive cape and if so, can you ask him if I can borrow it because that thing is phenomenal?

“We can talk about it,” I heard myself say, pushing my hilarious Dracula internal monologue to the side.

“Okay, just… I still can’t believe that he like… left like that. Sorry. I mean, I just… he was insane about you. Like--really, really into you. You guys were like--intensely together. Or whatever. Nobody could get between the two of you, and when he was around, it was like… nobody else existed for you.”

I considered that for a second. There were so many layers to what Jacob had just said--and I wondered if he knew that, or if he’d just been talking without thinking (one of my favorite hobbies).

“What did you think about us? I know you didn’t like him--and you can be honest,” I, again, heard myself say. It was almost like a different part of me was having this conversation with Jacob--one that I didn’t recognize. One that was still desperately looking for answers. A part of me that had longed to stay on the floor of the forest, curled in a ball, missing him with every fiber of myself, with every pound of my heart and every ounce of forbidden blood that pulsed through my veins.

“Are you sure you want me to be honest?” Jacob said--and despite all of my teasing, he really did have a nice voice. I tried to remember what it had sounded like when he’d been a squeaky preteen, but my mind couldn’t summon it. My heart was the one speaking for me now--and I hated my heart, and had actively done so for several months. Have you ever felt like that? Like you wish your heart could just fall out of you and leave you alone.

“Yes,” I answered simply. “I think I’m ready.”

I wasn’t. But whatever.

“I just… I don’t know, Bella. I’ve lived out here for awhile--my whole life--and when the Cullens came, it was the weirdest thing, it was like… it felt like the clouds were darker or something. There was a presence about them, something that made me want to just… I don’t know. I wanted them to leave. My whole family and me--there’s just something incredibly wrong about them. And you know--I have no right to tell you who’s right for you or what you deserve or anything and I truly think that you’re smart and you have great judgement, but… I don’t know. When I saw you guys together, it was like--you seemed so young. And he seemed so… not. He seemed calculated. It was like--the wheels were always turning in his head and he was always planning something, and you’re just so… you’re smart, but you’re not like that. You don’t… I just felt like he was manipulating you. It made me uncomfortable--he makes me uncomfortable.”

I listened quietly. I realized that I’d been biting at a hangnail that I’d been working at for a good week now--and finally, I ripped too hard. Blood ran down the side of my thumb. I thought of Jasper lurching at me. I saw the red flash in Edward’s beautiful gold eyes. And I felt the same thrill that I had felt in my gut--the one of suddenly, desperately, disturbingly wanting to be his prey. And then I felt the same shock of disbelief in my mind that I’d felt that day--what is wrong with you?

And in that moment, I had wondered if that was how vampires and humans worked. That humans would forever want to reveal their vulnerable necks to vampires, to be drained, to be consumed. Perhaps the only way that a vampire could survive was on the foolishness of the human spirit--the longing to be pursued, captured, consumed.

That had never been me before. I had never been just a human. I had always thought that I was more.

“Well, he’s gone now,” I heard myself say dully.

“Bella,” Jacob said quickly. “I just want you to know that--my feelings about him aside, I didn’t want you to get your heart broken. I trusted that you would make the right decision--even if it wasn’t the decision that I would make. I don’t pretend to know everything that happened between you and Edward, but I guess I just… I don’t know. Everyone thinks they’re right all the time, but the truth is that we never have the full perspective. I mean… do you know why he left? And broke up with you and stuff?”

I swallowed.

“I think he thought he was… making the right choice. For me. That… maybe he saw what you saw. That there was something wrong between us--something that I would never be able to see or really understand. I don’t know if all of that is true or not, but… all I know is that that’s what he believed. And like you said, everybody thinks they’re right all the time. And Edward is…”

Arrogant. Stubborn. Cruel. Unnecessarily cruel.

“... just another person,” I finished.

But no. He was not. And that was what had made all of this so incredibly impossible.

“I’m sorry, Bella,” Jacob said quietly.

“Are you?” I was surprised by how sharp my voice was.

“Yes,” Jacob said firmly. “Because like--while I didn’t really like him or whatever, I just… I know that you did. And I know that it hurt you when he left, and I never want you to be hurt. I… you’re my friend.”

There was always something beneath the surface when he talked to me. I pretended I didn’t know what it was, but like Jacob had said, I wasn’t stupid. But I was very good at pretending.

“Thanks, Jacob,” I said, and I felt a pang in my heart because I realized that he was the only person who I felt like had actually wanted to listen to me, who had cared about what I had to say. Who hadn’t tried to force their own opinions about all of this down my throat. And maybe he was the first person who hadn’t secretly believed that this was all my fault. “You’re… a really good friend.”

There was a pause, and I knew why. Again. Not stupid.

“You’re welcome.” His tone was intentionally breezy. I ignored it. “And yes, we can hang out, by the way. But please do not act like a crazy person on my motorcycle again. I do not appreciate you trying to veer my baby off a cliff.”

“I do what I want, Jacob Black, and what I really want to do is completely disrespect your property,” I sassed, but then recanted. “Look, I’ll be careful, okay?”

The truth was that I didn’t care about careful any more. It felt good to live life riding right along the edge of danger. And I realized maybe I was doing this because I always felt that way with Edward. And then I realized that I felt that way when I was with Jacob. Because there was something beneath all of this, and it was dangerous and exciting and bad and Edward would hate it and maybe that was the part that I loved most of all. Revenge, but attention seeking too.

Maybe Jacob Black wasn’t the one who was thirteen years old.

“See you, Bella,” Jacob said softly before hanging up.

He really did have a nice voice.


End file.
